i wish i were normal

We’ve all heard about it. In this post-politically correct world, scores of the mentally ill have written about how shitty things feel for them. Many responded with sympathy, some responded with hostility, others chose apathy. It’s okay, it’s not something everyone gets. This is going to be another one of those “boo hoo I’m fucked in the head and life sucks” posts, much like a teenager going through their period of angst would write in their notebook filled with emo poetry. (Is emo still a thing with teens now?)

I wish I were normal. I wish I could be as calm and collected as successful people, those who learned how to compartmentalize their emotions, to feel nothing, to stay calm in the face of great duress. I wish I could wake up some day on a weekday, and not think about wanting to skip work, not dreading the commute to work a job I sometimes have trouble performing. I wish I didn’t have to make excuses to take a sick day because I felt really anxious and depressed that day. I wish I was never forced to say that I have a migraine or a bad stomach just to make it seem like I’m actually sick. I really wish I wasn’t me.

I wish I knew what it felt to have a completely silent mind. I wish I had better concentration, so I don’t make mistakes at work as much. I wish my mind allowed me to pay attention to detail more. I wish I could commit to things, like making a habit out of writing everything down, but I just can’t for some reason. I wish I would stop making excuses for myself, to start running again or even just doing yoga at home. I really wish I wasn’t me.

I wish I was never born into a family that had a predisposition for bipolar disorder. I’ll be passing this disease on if ever I have a child, which makes me second guess if I ever want to start a family of my own. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I wish I knew what it felt to have a clear head, free of the constant buzzing of thoughts, the anxiety you just can’t ever run away from, from the suicidal thoughts that make you rethink your whole sense of being. I really wish I wasn’t me.

People tell me to appreciate myself more: find the good in you and celebrate it. Tell yourself that you’re worth more than the shitty thoughts you have about yourself. Try as I might, however, my mood is on a hair trigger; should anything shitty happen, I will most definitely be triggered, and everything I’ve been working towards – my positivity, the idea of being nicer to myself for the good I’ve done – all of it gets kicked out of the window because my brain won’t let me think about anything other than what makes me feel sad. I really wish I wasn’t me.

I often look at people who seem to have things under control. I envy them. I envy their privilege. Sometimes, I envy the fact that they seem very happy. Comfortable in their skin, doing what they love for a living, changing things, even speaking in forums – things I want to do but never really figured out. The funny thing about bipolar is that yes, you have so many good ideas, but you haven’t the foggiest on how to make them come true. You have all these delusions of grandeur (an actual symptom, believe it or not) that you’ll someday make it, tower over everything and everyone who’s ever caused you stress, and you’ll be living a comfortable, quiet life. But every single time I get triggered like this, all that goes to waste. All of that hope, extinguished like a candle in a storm of negativity. Hope snuffed. Hope trashed. Hope, gone. I really wish I wasn’t me.

Embarrassingly, I post my sad rants and my thoughts on offing myself on social media, hoping for someone to reach out and tell me “hey, don’t do it, you’ll be fine.” I turn into an attention-seeking mess, asking apathetic people on social media to pay attention to me and my problems. I know I shouldn’t, but the more emotional I get the more irrational my thoughts. I keep those posts there to remind me to not do it again – but of course, I keep doing it anyway. I really wish I wasn’t me.

I envy the people who never have to take a mood-altering pill just to feel some semblance of being “okay.” I envy the people who don’t have to break down every time they feel stressed. I envy those who can manage to balance their expenses every month. I envy the people who can confidently take a stand and defend their beliefs. I envy the people who know how to make things happen their way. I envy the people who don’t have to deal with rapidly cycling moods, or feeling shitty all day because of a thing that happened that morning. I really wish I wasn’t me.

There’s hope, I guess. Someone told me that right now, I’m feeling shitty and trapped because I have no say in how things happen. But someday, when I’ve paid my dues, I’ll be able to have more control over my career, life, and emotions, and I’ll finally be able to say that I’m happier. But that dream grows further and further away with each episode I have, which happens pretty often, to be honest. I really wish I wasn’t me.

Being bipolar sucks. But despite the shit I slog through on a daily basis, I won’t give in and take the easy way out; living is too nice, so many things to see, hear, taste, feel, love. It’s just so hard to justify living like this – working your ass off and getting depressed, sleeping late because insomnia, feeling thankless – and then spending two days trying to run away from it all, only to go back Monday and feel everything again.

I wish I were happy. That’s really all I want.

sensates forever

Yes, Sense8 is canceled, as I’m sure many of you already know. After two seasons, the critically-acclaimed, cult-loved show that talked about diversity, gender stereotypes, social issues, and most of all, love, has been canceled for God knows what reason.

We could say, Sense8 is an incredibly expensive production, what with traveling around the world with an ensemble and crew, finding perfect shoot locations while wrestling with local laws and customs; it’s gotta be hell, logistically. We could also argue that Sense8 is not everyone’s cup of tea, because it can get long-winded for some, or it puts off some people with its revolutionary ideas.

 

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There’s also the most boring hetero pairing in the world, but they’re still cool

 

But Sense8 gave viewers a different kind of feeling, a different, incredibly awesome way to showcase the diversity that this world has. For example.

Despite having a grizzled white guy cop from Chicago leading the crew, you also have an Icelandic DJ that grew from a damsel in distress into a truly capable account manager (I mean, bringing Will from safehouse to safehouse across Europe while simultaneously coordinating with the rest of the Sensates can’t be a joke), a German safe-cracker who is trying to find his place in the world.

We also have a sexy gay Mexican action star struggling with being accepted as a homosexual in a testosterone-filled industry, an Indian pharmacist with a troubled, loveless marriage fighting traditional values while trying to follow her heart. There’s a Kenyan matatu driver whose only raison d’etre is to provide a better life for his motherwhose story has turned into something of an inspirational one as he runs for office to enact actual change. We have a trans kickass hacker with a super-cute girlfriend fighting biases, traditional family values, while at the same time being super-cool. And finally, we have my bae, a Korean businesswoman / fucking fighter queen out for revenge against her brother. 

 

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All the while having hot multiracial pansexual orgies. Also look at them. They’re adorable.

I’m still trying to console myself with this brilliant show’s cancellation. I love it more than Game of Thrones, or Stranger Things. I love the world-building, the sense of massiveness of the Sensate universe. I love its quirky little pockets of humor. I love the issues it tackles. I love how they frontload the LGBTQ communities around the world. I love the unconventional attacks and reflections on sexuality, acceptance, and love. I love the action scenes. I love the fight scenes, which I believe is one of the best choreographies in the history of action. I love the growth given to each of the characters – no one in the eight is too boring, or too complicated – and how it shows on- and off-screen. I love the pacing – from a high-adrenaline action scene cutting to a taichi session – and I love the gradual development of the story.

I love how Will looks in his cop outfit, his devotion to his cluster, and his pain of not being by his father’s side. I love how Riley is a stoner, and her loving relationship with her dad, and the fact that she started out as a little misguided girl, who evolves into a badass in her own right. I’ve fallen in love with Lito, Fernando, and Dani, treating each other not just as lovers (I mean, it’s practically a threesome, yes?) but as family, supporting each other every step of the way.

I love Capheus’ joie de vivre, his simplicty, humility, and badassery. I love Wolfgang and his broody personality, and the rare times he shows his brand of love for his best friend. I love Kala’s internal struggles, how she reluctantly let herself be carried by the currents of tradition, then suddenly falling in love with a complete but intimate stranger.

I love Nomi and Amanita so much, supporting each other unquestionably in the face of adversity, fighting biases, prejudice, the BPO, and staying strong together. Also Bug. I love Bug. I love Sun, not just because she’s a fucking badass, but she has an indomitable sense of purpose. She’s willing to go through so much shit just to achieve what she set out to do, and I love her vulnerability despite the tough shell she lives in.

 

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I will miss you all.

 

Sense8 is a wonderful show that gave us so much, taught us so much about a lot of things. I can spend some time talking about each issue they faced, but nah. I just…

 

I don’t know. I’m really, genuinely sad that this is over. And I can’t believe that something this beautifully crafted and well-thought-of would be discarded, to join the ranks of countless great shows that died ahead of their time. But it’s not like we can do anything about it: big money always has the final say.

It’s just that this is going down in history as one of the greatest losses in storytelling, and that, my friends, is devastating. This show, above all else, spoke about love, genuine human interaction, respect for one another, acceptance. Love, in all its purity and all its forms. You don’t get a show like that very often.

I love you, Sense8 team. So long.

 

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Sensates forever.